


" i face god and walk backwards into hell " - akira, probably

by cherrykirsch



Category: Persona 5, Persona Series
Genre: (for now) - Freeform, Akechi is the Token Straight, Akira is Probably High a Lot of The Time, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, M/M, Multi, You Can Probably Tell Whats Going to Happen., Yusuke is the Lone Gayger
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-16
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2018-12-16 04:41:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11821443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cherrykirsch/pseuds/cherrykirsch
Summary: Seven gays make a group chat and have no life what so ever.





	1. settle on bondage like the rest of us

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Granddaddy Akira](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Granddaddy+Akira).



> Thanks to the P5 group chat for motivating me to do this, I love you all now take ur multi-chapter crack fic.

_August 15th 2017_  
_1:25pm_

 

 **akirana grande** : what's up you big gays

 **akirana grande** : in recent news i fucking hate goro akechi

 **get boned** : what part of that is recent???

 **akirana grande** : as in; "recently i've realised that i want to punch him right in his face"

 **akirana grande** : HE HAS A MULLET. who the fuck has that haircut in this good year of 2017??

 **lesbiann** : i have to agree; he looks like a mop

 **akirana grande** : he looks like a twat.

 **get boned** : what did he do this time???

 **akirana grande** : breathed.

 **get boned** : that's a crime. he must be Arrest No Arguments.

 **lesbiann** : i feel like every time you see akechi you just hear kill bill sirens

 **akirana grande** : don't you????

 **_get boned_ ** _changed the chat name to **Come@BigBangBurger@7pmToKickAkechi'sAss**_

 **lesbiann** : i've never wanted to smack a man more

 **lesbiann** : akechi is the reason i Do Not Trust Males

 **get boned** : i say we all-out attack him in the middle of shibuya

 **akirana grande** : he'll never see it coming???

 **lesbiann** : Die.

 **akirana grande** : so, getting off the topic of akechi

 **akirana grande** : (bc frankly just thinking of him makes me want to Commit)

 **akirana grande** : do you think if i dressed morgana up in a pinocchio costume and asked him if he wanted to be a real boy he would scratch my eyes out while i sleep

 **lesbiann** : hmmmm

 **lesbiann** : i don't know 

 **lesbiann** : why don't you give it a try?

 **akirana grande** : do you think i have a death wish ann

 **lesbiann** : yes

 **akirana grande** : fair

 **_kamenrider_ ** _is online_

 **akirana grande** : the second useless lesbian has arrived

 **akirana grande** : hello makoto

 **lesbiann** : Incorrect. makoto and i are the most useful people on the team

 **get boned** : ...

 **get boned** : considering the rest of our team is an anthropomorphic cat, a dorito gremlin, a criminal, a pirate, a furry and the mad hatter

 **get boned** : i'd say you're pretty spot on

 **kamenrider** : we're addressing this later, you should be paying attention in class

 **akirana grande** : it's just kawakami, she, frankly can calm her tits

 **get boned** : bro there's rumours going around that she wants to fuck you

 **akirana grande** : i'd rather Die.

 **lesbiann** : that's morbid

 **akirana grande** : when aren't i morbid, join the club ann

 **akirana grande** : anyway i thought she was married to ohya??

 **akirana grande** : another useless lesbian

 **get boned** : ohya is like… on another plane of existence 

 **lesbiann** : she dresses like a teenager from the 1970's

 **akirana grande** : some people would find that attractive

 **lesbiann** : i Do Not.

 **akirana grande** : anyway, i'm happy for our lesbian teacher and her 1970's girlfriend

 **get boned** : anyway, i'm Gay

 **kamenrider** : why are we even talking about this

 **akirana grande** : you were the one who told me to pay attention to kawakami

 **kamenrider** : pay attention, you're not failing any of these classes

 **get boned** : you can't tell me what to do

 **kamenrider** : if you don't pay attention i'm hitting you on the shins with my old razor scooter

 **akirana grande** : lmao u got told

 **kamenrider** : the same goes for you too, akira

 **akirana grande** : i gotta go my uncle just died

 **_akirana grande_ ** _is offline._

 **get boned:** you don't have an uncle???

 **kamenrider** : ryuji

 **get boned** : yes makoto

 **kamenrider** : get off your phone

 **get boned** : yes ma'am

 **_get boned_ ** _is offline._

 **lesbiann** : hey makoto wanna be in lesbians together

 **_kamenrider_ ** _is offline._

 **lesbiann** : you didn't say no.

 

* * *

 

 _August 15th 2017_  
_6:53pm_

 

 **hackerman** : y'all i just woke up what the fuck

 **akirana grande** : thats unhealthy

 **hackerman** : you're unhealthy

 **akirana grande** : you're talking to the winner of the Big Bang Burger competition

 **akirana grande** : of course i'm unhealthy — tell me something i don't know

 **get boned** : i was there when he did that

 **get boned** : he fucking unhinged his jaw like a cobra

 **get boned** : it was neato

 **hackerman** : ' _neato_ '??? what the fuck ryuji

 **get boned** : if you have a problem come fight me

 **hackerman** : i will. name a time and place

 **get boned** : 11pm behind the ramen shop

 **get boned** : come prepared to lose

 **hackerman** : it's on, i can't wait to see your face pushed into the dirt

 **akirana** **grande** : kinky

 **hackerman** : maybe for you akira

 **lesbiann** : yeah, akira

 **lesbiann** : settle on bondage like the rest of us

 **_akirana grande_ ** _pinned a message to the channel._

 **get boned** : HGFIDJPSOK

 **get boned** : what the _fuck_ ann

 **lesbiann** : akira did u pin that???

 **akirana grande** : you just admitted to being into bondage

 **akirana grande** : of course i pinned it

 **lesbiann** : this is homophobic

 **akirana grande** : I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE INTO BONDAGE

 **lesbiann** : why are we still talking about this???

 **get boned** : because it’s hilarious

 **_kamenrider_ ** _is online._

 **kamenrider** : ann you’re into bondage?

 **lesbiann** : I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS

 **kamenrider** : it’s okay, ann, we all have our kinks

 **get boned** : I’M SCREAMING

 **lesbiann** : please PLEASE stop talking

 **akirana grande** : and, makoto, yours is??? 

 **kamenrider** : justice. 

 **akirana grande** : iconic.

 

 **_yiffmaster_ ** _is online._

 

 **yiffmaster** : Futuba, I do not understand this nickname.

 **akirana grande** : great the whole gang’s here!

 **kamenrider** : haru isn’t here yet

 **akirana grande** : Irrelevant.

 **get boned** : is no one going to address the fact that yusuke’s username is yiffmaster???

 **hackerman** : no because we’ve all been aware that yusuke is a furry for a while now

 **yiffmaster** : What is a furry?

 **akirana grande** : …

 **akirana grande** : this world is beautiful and light

 **lesbiann** : i can’t believe yusuke is a furry

 **hackerman** : i mean if we’re going to call yusuke a furry, ann should be called a furry too

 **lesbiann** : No.

 

 **_hackerman_ ** _changed **lesbiann** ’s nickname to ‘ **furry numero deux** ’._

 

 **furry numero deux** : this is homophobic

 **hackerman** : this is art.

 **furry numero deux** : Art is Dead.

 **yiffmaster** : Incorrect. Art is very much alive.

 **kamenrider** : you heard it from the art man. art is alive.

 **hackerman** : HGOFDIJPS

 **hackerman** : art man.

 **akirana grande** : there’s no need to feel down

 **hackerman** : i said art man.

 **lesbiann** : pick ur head off the ground. 

 **yiffmaster** : ? 

 **get boned** : this is iconic yusuke

 **yiffmaster** : I do not understand.

 **akirana grande** : me, except i don’t understand maths

 **get boned** : who does understand maths tho???

 **kamenrider** : me.

 **furry numero deux** : me.

 **get boned** : Die.

 **akirana grande** : ABORT ABORT ABORT

 **get boned** : what. 

 **akirana grande** : akechi just walked in

 **akirana grande** : he’s always here does he even have a life???

**_furry numero deux_ ** _changed their nickname to **lesbiann**._

 

 **lesbiann** : judging by his weird obsession with you???

 **lesbiann** : not likely.

 **get boned** : he is in leblanc a lot

 **akirana grande** : its creepy! he has me make him a coffee and then he watched the news for 2 solid hours

 **get boned** : dude he totally has a boner for you 

 **akirana grande** : i’m not into dudes who can break me 

 **akirana grande** : wait

 **akirana grande** : correction – i’m not into guys who hate my guts.

 **yiffmaster** : Akira, what are you trying to say?

 **hackerman** : he wants men who can break him to step on him

 **akirana grande** : please, step on me

 **lesbiann** : a thrilling conclusion from akira kurusu

 **lesbiann** : well done

 **akirana grande** : thanks, I’m Gay

 **get boned** : aren’t we all?

 **kamenrider** : back to the matter at hand; akechi

 **akirana grande** : i wish he wasn’t 

 **kamenrider** : don’t we all

 **akirana grande** : yes anyway. so akechi has just walked in and ordered a coffee and a cinnamon swirl

 **akirana grande** : we don’t have any more cinnamon swirls

 **hackerman** : dad’s gonna make you go out and get one

 **akirana grande** : haha no he’s not.

 **get boned** : 3

 **lesbiann** : 2

 **kamenrider** : 1

 **akirana grande** : …

 

 **_akirana grande_ ** _is offline._

 

 **hackerman** : lmao told u

 **get boned** : #prayforakira


	2. naughty children get sent to the shadow-realm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira is banished to the Shadow-Realm, Ann is apparently into choking, Haru enters the chatroom, and Yusuke lets himself go.

_August 17th 2017_  
_3:02 am_

_**akiriana grande** changed their name to **akiwa kuwusu**._

**akiwa kuwusu** : hewwo, my name is akiwa kuwusu uwu i hope we can be fwends

 **get boned** : Blocked.

 **lesbiann** : dark google tell me how to hide a body

 **akiwa kuwusu** : uwu don't uwu want to be fwends?

 **hackerman** : haha not anymore

 **akiwa kuwusu** : come won futwuba! fwends!

 **hackerman** : die!

 **lesbiann** : hey futuba can you hack into akita's phone and make him fucking die

 **hackerman** : i'm good but i'm not that good

 **hackerman** : also, ann, that's murder

 **lesbiann** : your point

 **get boned** : akira…. dude… please

 **akiwa kuwusu** : rwyuji! wanna be fwends??

 **get boned** : ….

 **akiwa kuwusu** : uwu know uwu wanna!~

 **get boned** : akira, i beg you

 **get boned** : do not make what attraction i have for you die

 **lesbiann** : RYUJI U LIKE AKIRA????

 **get boned** : I NEVER SAID THAT

 **akiwa kuwusu** : uwu!!! rwuji, do uwu wike me??~

 **get boned** : no comment.

 **hackerman** : HOLY SHIT HE LIKES AKIRA!!!

 **lesbiann** : I NEED TO TELL SHIHO

 **get boned** : i refuse to talk about this

 **akiwa kuwusu** : come on, rwuji, uwu wike me!!

 **get boned** : no.

 **akiwa kuwusu** : T-T

_**get boned** is offline._

**akiwa kuwusu** : rwuji!! come back!!

 **lesbiann** : this is too much for me

 **akiwa kuwusu** : don't uwu mean… 'this is too-uwu much for me'

 **lesbiann** : blocked.

_**lesbiann** is offline_

**akiwa kuwusu** : rude!!!

 **hackerman** : this is why you have no friends

 **akiwa kuwusu** : :3 nyah~

 **hackerman** : i'm banishing you to the shadow-realm

 **hackerman** : naughty children get sent to the shadow-realm.

 **akiwa kuwusu** : don't uwu mean the meta-vewse???

_**hackerman** is offline._

**akiwa kuwusu** : D:

 **akiwa kuwusu** : alone again… naturawy...

 

* * *

 

 

 _August 17th 2017_  
_5:45pm_

_**kamenrider** is online._

**kamenrider** : what….

 **kamenrider** : what did i just read

_**akiwa kuwusu** is online._

**akiwa kuwusu** : quawity content uwu

 **hackerman** : i'll pay you 3,000 yen to change your username back and talk like a normal human being

 **akiwa kuwusu** : sowd!!

_**akiwa kuwusu** changed their nickname to **daddy akira**._

**daddy akira** : hello ya fucks ;)

 **kamenrider** : this is somehow worse.

 **daddy akira** : uhmm,,, makoto,,,,

 **daddy akira** : don't kink-shame me

 **kamenrider** : this just brings up more questions that it answers

 **daddy akira** : coming from someone whose kink is justice

_**get boned** is online._

**get boned** : my kink is dudes.

 **hackerman** : my kink hardcore hentai.

 **lesbiann** : my kink is a lover that will accept me no matter how many flaws i have

 **daddy akira** : unrealistic. stick to bondage like the rest of us.

 **kamenrider** : besides ann, i thought your kink was bondage?

 **lesbiann** : I REFUSE TO TALK ABOUT THIS

 **hackerman** : just admit you're into bondage ann, it could be so simple

lesbiann: no. choke.

 **hackerman** : is that another one of your kinks???

 **lesbiann** : Die.

_**hackerman** changed **yiffmaster** 's nickname to **art-man.**_

**art-man** : Ann, are you into choking as well?

 **lesbiann** : NO.

 **art-man** : Oh, I just presumed.

 **lesbiann** : stop presuming

 **lesbiann** : everyone else can also stop talking

 **daddy akira** : i refuse. it's funny to make fun of the kinks you may or may not have

 **lesbiann** : says the guy who wants dude who can break him to step on him

 **daddy akira** : that's a viable kink.

 **lesbiann** : and bondage/choking isn't???

_**hackerman** changed the chat name to **Kink Discourse**._

**daddy akira** : choking/bondage is the commoner's kink, and therefore Incorrect.

 **daddy akira** : get better kinks

 **lesbiann** : noted. now can we talk about something else?

 **get boned** : are we not going to address the fact that futuba said her kink was hentai.

 **hackerman** : my kink is not hentai, i'm classier than that

 **get boned** : duly noted. i'll take your word for it.

_**poisonivy** is online._

**get boned** : ABORT ABORT

 **poison ivy** : what is this about kinks?

 **kamenrider** : *kill bill sirens*

 **lesbiann** : i have to leave *jumps out of the nearest window*

_**hackerman** is offline._

**art-man** : this is unfortunate.

 **daddy akira** : hey haru!

_**hackerman** has left the chat._

 

* * *

 

 

_August 21st 2017_   
_1:08am_

 

 **daddy akira** : hello children and welcome to the #Kink Dicourse

 **lesbiann** : we're not naming that chat that

_**lesbiann** changed the chat name to **Akira Sucks Dick**._

**daddy kink** : this is even more accurate than the last chat name

 **get boned** : your optimism will forever astound me

 **hackerman** : he's the most pessimistic person i've ever met

 **daddy akira** : we're all going to die someday so i might as well spend my life fucking up akechi's

 **get boned** : iconic??

 **art-man** : Akechi poisoned our water supply, burned our crops, and delivered a plague unto our houses!

 **poisonivy** : he did?!

 **art-man** : No. But are we just going to wait around until he does??

 **lesbiann** : … 

 **get boned** : ...

 **daddy akira** : haru…. yusuke...

 **art-man** : Yes, Akira?

 **poison ivy** : hmm?

 **daddy akira** : did y'all just make a spongebob reference???

 **poisionivy** : did you just use the world y'all in an actual sentence

 **daddy akira** : ? yes??

 **poisonivy** : of course we did

 **poisonivy** : yusuke has been coming over to my house on the weekends to watch cartoon with me

 **art-man** : They're rather enjoyable!

 **daddy akira** : this is an unlikely friendship i did not expect to play out

 **lesbiann** : this is beautiful

 **get boned** : truly the most iconic of friendships

 **kamenrider** : what i find truly astounding is that yusuke used more than one question mark in the same sentence

_**daddy akira** pinned ' art-man: No. But are we just going to wait around until he does??' to the chat._

**daddy akira** : iconic.

 **art-man** : sometimes we all need to use more than one question mark in the same sentence

 **lesbiann** : wow yusuke is really letting himself go

 **hackerman** : character development.

 **art-man** : I feel that you are all exaggerating this a little.

 **lesbiann** : us??? no way!!!

 **art-man** : Was that sarcasm?

 **lesbiann** : Yes.

 **art-man** : Oh, good.

 **poisonivy** : would you care to play animal crossing with me?

 **daddy akira** : i would…. but also it's been abandoned for six months

 **posionivy** : this is a true crime.

 **lesbiann** : guess we need to steal akira's heart for abandoning his animal crossing town.

 **get boned** : you have committed a crimes against skyrim and her people.

 **get boned** : what say you in your defence???

 **daddy akira** : i'd rather die than go to prison!!!

 **get boned** : *pulls a sword* so be it

 **daddy akira** : is that a euphemism ryuji ;) ;)

 **lesbiann** : that escalated quickly

 **hackerman** : any of y'all got overwatch???

 **daddy akira** : me.

 **poisonivy** : me!

 **kamenrider** : me!

 **get boned** : me.

 **art-man** : God I wish that were Me.

 **poisonivy** : you can come play it at my house yusuke!

 **lesbiann** : wow y'all are nerds for playing video games

 **daddy akira** : says the girl who plays d&d :/

 **lesbiann** : don't @ me

 **daddy akira** : i'll @ u if i want. fight me

 **lesbiann** : 20 mins behind LeBlanc, i'll make you eat your words

 **daddy akira** : you're on

_**lesbiann** is offline._

_**daddy akira** is offline._

 

* * *

 

 

 _August 21th 2017_  
_1:48am_

 

_**lesbiann** changed the chat name to **Akira Kurusu Lost.**_

**art-man** : Akira lost?

 **lesbiann** : oh sweetie, he never stood a chance

 **get boned** : i'm terrified but not surprised 

 **daddy akira** : :((( feel sorry for me

 **art-man** : Sympathy.

 **get boned** : Kind words.

 **kamenrider** : Pats.

 **poisonivy** : Sad look.

 **hackerman** : laughing directly at your face.

 **daddy akira** : rude!! :(((

 **get boned** : don't challenge the lesbians akira, they always win

 **lesbiann** : :)) hell yea we do

 **kamenrider** : no shit.

 **poisonivy** : futuba are you paying minecraft?

_**hackerman** is offline._

 


	3. life is a highway

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira reveals his true colours as a Wine Dad(dy) and Makoto and Ryuji raid Shujin's confiscated contraband locker.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Honestly I have no explanation for this.
> 
> Uhh, warning for recreational drug use, I guess.

_August 18th 2017_  
_2:54pm_

**daddy akira** : what's up sluts

**lesbiann** : each greeting is more drastic than the last 

**art-man** : Life must be thrilling for you.

**hackerman** : don't you mean that life is a highway?

**daddy akira** : nice reference but no

**daddy akira** : life is my existential dread and hellish depression

**lesbiann** : oh, worm?

**daddy akira** : what can i say, i'm relatable

**_kamenrider_ ** _is online._

**kamenrider** : you all better have a good reason why you're not in school.

**get boned** : i've been kidnapped by the yakuza

**lesbiann** : i'm too gay for school

**art-man** : Life is meaningless. We're all going to die.

**poisonivy** : yuuki has the flu.

**daddy akira** : i have depression

**kamenrider** : seems you and yusuke have something in common

**_daddy akira_ ** _changed their nickname to_ **_art-man 2.0_ ** _._

**art-man 2.0** : what do you mean makoto we're practically the same person.

**art-man** : !!!

**hackerman** : it's like seeing the two different sides of yusuke

**get boned** : yeah, akira's side of yusuke is the yusuke who gets wine drunk at four in the afternoon and then goes out and gets vodka drunk, flirts with everyone at the bar and has to snapchat one of us to pick him up because he can't find the contact app on his phone

**lesbiann** : that's quite vivid ryuji

**get boned** : thank you

**get boned** : and yusuke's yusuke drinks 30 types of herbal teas and wakes up early to do yoga

**hackerman** : does he also do instagram sponsors?

**get boned** : obviously

**art-man 2.0** : i have never been wine or vodka drunk

**poisonivy** : yes you have

**art-man 2.0** : not at the same time

**_get boned_ ** _changed_ **_art-man 2.0_ ** _'s nickname to_ **_wine dad_ ** _._

**_wine dad_ ** _changed their nickname to_ **_wine daddy_ ** _._

**wine daddy** : that's the only way i'm accepting that nickname

**hackerman** : whatever floats your boat

**lesbiann** : what was this about akira getting wine and vodka drunk?

**poisonivy** : once a month akira comes over to my house to drink vintage wines and expensive vodkas imported from sweden with the intention of crying about our feelings and getting drunk

**wine daddy** : oh so i have been wine drunk and vodka drunk at the same time

**poisonivy** : yes you have, akira. painfully so; i have pictures

**wine daddy** : can't be worse than the pictures yusuke and ryuji have

**lesbiann** : WHAT

**hackerman** : WHAT

**wine daddy** : what… ? we have a group chat where we exchange nudes and talk about existential depression

**lesbiann** : you exchange  _nudes_???

**hackerman** : akira that's pretty gay

**wine daddy** : newsflash asshole, i've been gay this entire goddamn time!!!

**hackerman** : nice it's always sunny reference but still i digress

**lesbiann** : how do you know the word 'digress' aren't you like twelve?

**hackerman** : I’m like sixteen catch the fuck up

**art-man** : to be fair akira your nudes are very beautiful

**wine daddy** : aww thank u yusuke!! <3

**get boned** : yusuke your nudes are practically masterpieces

**poisonivy** : i can attest to that

**lesbiann** : you’ve seen these nudes haru???

**poisonivy** : of course I have, akira shoves his phone and the gc in my face and cries as he drinks his fifth bottle of wine

**poisonivy** : i’ve seen more of ryuji than anyone needs to

**get boned** : oh, wow, rude

**kamenrider** : literally none of this explains why you’re all absent from school???

**wine daddy** : would you believe us if we all told you that we left shujin to join a convent?

**kamenrider** : seeing as you are all the most sinful people i know, i’m gonna say a hard no

**wine daddy** : what if i told you that the world is ending and we have to prepare the bomb shelter?

**kamenrider** : the world isn’t ending akira

**wine daddy** : are you sure? have you seen trump lately?

**kamenrider** : not personally but fair point, please continue

**kamenrider** : with the truth please

**wine daddy** : school is bullshit we’re all in the park eating crepes

**lesbiann** : wanna join us?

**kamenrider** : i’m part of the student council

**get boned** : since when has that stopped you before

**kamenrider** : we’re wanted fugitives

**lesbiann** : only in phantom form, plus, live life on the edge makoto

**kamenrider** : … you’re skipping school, what about your grades?

**art-man** : i’ve failed mathematics twice

**get boned** : what the fuck is a grade

**lesbiann** : i’m passing actually

**wine daddy** : makoto

**kamenrider** : yes akira?

**wine daddy** : come skip school and eat crepes with us

**wine daddy** : please?

**kamenrider** : okay.

**_kamenrider_ ** _is offline._

 

* * *

 

_August 19 th 2017  
00:23am_

**wine daddy** : i’ve eaten so much I feel sick!!

**wine daddy** : who votes that i now down a gallon of coffee

**get boned** : akira are you high

**wine daddy** : god i wish i was

**kamenrider** : why is everything a Big Mood in this chat

**lesbiann** : u saying u wish you were high too, makoto???

**kamenrider** : who says that i’m not right now???

**wine daddy** : makoto are you high?

**kamenrider** : maybe so.

**lesbiann** : this doesn’t help,,,

**kamenrider** : it’d blow your mind how much weed has been confiscated from shujin pupils,,, like,,, wow

**get boned** : i’d have to say at least twelve

**kamenrider** : shit you’re right!!!

**wine daddy** : ryuji are you high too

**get boned** : brownies

**lesbiann** : who fed ryuji weed brownies

**kamenrider** : I didn’t _feed_ him them,,, he knew they were weed

**get boned** : it’d be pretty fucking weird if she fed me

**get boned** : vore

**wine daddy** : that’s not what vore is ryuji

**get boned** : and you know what vore is how???

**wine daddy** : common sense,,, and urban dictionary dot com

**kamenrider** : god i love her

**lesbiann** : whom??

**kamenrider** : urban dicktionary dot com

**wine daddy** : you just spell dictionary ‘dicktionary’…

**kamenrider** : maybe so

**lesbiann** : you repeating maybe so really isn’t helping

**_hackerman_ ** _is online._

**hackerman** : why are both ryuji and makoto high

**get boned** : why not

**hackerman** : you’re like twelve you shouldn’t have weed

**get boned** : well you’re a fucking gremlin and you shouldn’t have a computer

**hackerman** : ryuji i’d punch you so hard right now if you weren’t off your head

**get boned** : try me ya fuck

**wine daddy** : moving swiftly onwards

**lesbiann** : why are you all high on a saturday morning

**kamenrider** : i’m only a little bit high

**get boned** : i’m fucking gone man

**hackerman** : yes ryuji. we can tell

**get boned** : neat

**wine daddy** : ryuji i’m coming to pick you up before you kill yourself

**get boned** : but it’s half-past 0 o’clock

**wine daddy** : i’m aware

**get boned** : why are you coming???

**wine daddy** : because i don’t want you to run into traffic and die

**get boned** : I’m going to die??????

**wine daddy** : no

**hackerman** : hopefully

**get boned** : save me akira,,,,

**wine daddy** : i’m coming

**_wine daddy_ ** _is offline._

**kamenrider** : bitch what about me what the fuck

 

**hackerman** : haha sucks 2 be u bitch

**kamenride** r: i’ll thrown down with a twelve year old I don’t give a fuck

**poisonivy** : makoto i’m coming to collect you

**kamenrider** : are you coming in one of those fancy limos like in annie??

**hackerman** : annie didn’t have a limo in it.

**kamenrider** : yes it did.

**lesbiann** : oh you’re talking about the 2014 one

**kamenrider** : i’d die for anyone in that movie

**hackerman** : wow fake fan, obvs the 1982 is the best

**kamenrider** : what the fuck no it’s not

**poisonivy** : please stop arguing about musicals

**poisonivy** : makoto I’m on my way

**_poisonivy_ ** _is offline._

**hackerman** : …

**hackerman** : fuck you the 1982 is the best

**_hackerman_ ** _is offline._

**kamenrider** : COME BACK HERE YOU THOT

 

* * *

 

_August 20 th 2017  
10:15 am_

**kamenrider** : being high was an experience

**lesbiann** : i bet

**kamenrider** : i dreamt i fought god and beat him the fuck up, won the title of god and then did the bible again

**wine daddy** : wait you did the bible???

**hackerman** : how would that work???

**kamenrider** : queen of england’s eldest son??? dead bc they didn’t put lambs blood over the door

**wine daddy** : i got an answer and yet i am more confused than i was before it

**lesbiann** : feels Bad Man

**_get boned_ ** _is online._

**get boned** : trying to give someone a blowjob while high is an experience

**hackerman** : who did you try and give a blowjob to???

**get boned** : my memory is hazy so it’s either akira or yusuke

**lesbiann** : they look nothing alike???

**_wine daddy_ ** _changed their nickname to **art-man 2.0.**_

**art-man 2.0** : what do you mean ann we’re exactly the same person

**kamenrider** : wow old joke, be original ya fuck

**hackerman** : that was like two days ago, we have moved on

**art-man 2.0** : wow,,, cyber bullying,,,

**_art-man 2.0_ ** _changed their nickname to **wine daddy**._

**wine daddy** : if u squint me and yusuke look similar

**art-man** : I can attest that it was actually me you tried to do… That with

**lesbiann** : this brings up more questions than it answers

**art-man** : Questions that I refuse to answer

**wine daddy** : i plead the fifth

**get boned** : no comment.

**lesbiann** : wow fuckin’ rude

**kamenrider** : this is Unfair

**get boned** : why do you want to know???

**kamenrider** : bc I’m a slut for gossip

**wine daddy** : and weed brownies apparently

**kamenrider** : we never speak of this again, akira

**kamenrider** : never again

**poisonivy** : who wants to see the snapchats i took of makoto when she was high?

**kamenrider** : YOU SNAPCHATTED ME???

**poisonivy** : ^.^ blackmail is beautiful don’t you think?


	4. shiho's initiation into the ultimate gay collective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shiho joins the chat room, The Phantom thieves are based in Quebec and Akira challenges the lesbians to a duel.

_August 22nd 2017_  
_6:35pm_

 **lesbiann** : quick question; how secret is this group chat???

 **hackerman** : are you trying to add akechi

 **hackerman** : bc if so,,,

 **hackerman** : i will choke u

 **poisonivy** : don't do it futuba, she's probably into that

 **hackerman** : shit u right

 **wine daddy** : akechi added me to his groupchat

 **get boned** : what??? why???

 **wine daddy** : he thinks we're friends

 **get boned** : how wrong he is,,,

 **wine daddy** : i basically just joined it to get him to shut up

 **lesbiann** : what the gc about?

 **wine daddy** : phantom thieves tip-off

 **art-man** : Do I sense some meddling afoot?

 **wine daddy** : CORRECT!!!

 **kamenrider** : what did u do akira,,,

 **wine daddy** : he may or may not think that the phantom thieves are based in quebec 

 **lesbiann** : ….

 **lesbiann** : quebec as in canada quebec

 **wine daddy** : no, korea quebec

 **art-man** : Was that sarcasm?

 **wine daddy** : precisely

 **wine daddy** : art-man yusuke gets it

 **hackerman** : there is no quebec in korea

 **wine daddy** : Let Me Meme In Peace

 **get boned** : *cocks gun*

 **wine daddy** : *guns cock*

 **lesbiann** : MOVING ONWARDS

 **lesbiann** : can i add someone to this chat?

 **kamenrider** : whomst?

 **lesbiann** : shiho

 **art-man** : … Whom?

 **kamenrider** : is this the shiho you're totally gay for?

 **poisonivy** : the one you want to step on you?

 **get boned** : the one you won't stop talking about?

 **lesbiann** : yes???

 **wine daddy** : add her

 **hackerman** : ^^^ on the condition i get to choose her nickname

 **lesbiann** : fineeeee

_**lesbiann** added **suzuis** to the chat._

_**hackerman** changed the chat name to **The Ultimate Gay Collective**._

**suzuis** : what a beautiful chat name!

 **get boned** : she's so positive,,, what a gal

 **hackerman** : now, to initiate into the group,,, i will give you a new nickname

 **suzuis** : i look forward to it!

_**hackerman** changed **suzuis** 's nickname to **toyota**._

**lesbiann** : wha,,, why,,,

 **art-man** : I assume it's because Suzui sounds like Suzuki?

 **hackerman** : precisely !

 **toyota** : i love it!!

 **wine daddy** : i'm melting,,,

 **get boned** : i'll make you melt

 **wine daddy** : is that threat or a promise?

 **kamenrider** : this requires a new nickname change

 **poisonivy** : goodbye wine daddy,,, u will be missed

 **hackerman** : please, welcome,,,

_**hackerman** changed **wine daddy** 's nickname to **Thirsty Boi**._

**Thirsty Boi** : Thanks! I hate it!

 **lesbiann** : Incorrect

 **kamenrider** : i've never seen a username more fitting for akira

 **Thirsty Boi** : i hate all of you and i hope you perish

 **get boned** : pwease no steppy

 **art-man** : OwO

 **kamenrider** : i can't believe yusuke knows the owo meme

 **toyota** : i fucking love that meme

 **lesbiann** : i love you

 **poisonivy** : oH ShI

_**[several people are typing. . .]** _

* * *

 

 _August 23rd 2017_  
_1:42am_

 **Thirsty Boi** : 'tis the gay hour

 **get boned** : i'm glad ann and shiho are in lesbians together

 **kamenrider** : shoulda said yes to ann when i had the chance :'(

 **Thirsty Boi** : r u actually sad or,,,

 **get boned** : i can't tell the difference either

 **kamenrider** : i'm joking,,, for meme-loving fucks you take stuff like this way too seriously

 **Thirty Boi** : well of course we do, you interrupted our sexting

 **kamenrider** : e… excuse me…?

 **get boned** : we're waiting for yusuke to reply

 **get boned** : he takes ages

 **Thirsty Boi** : but the wait is worth it for his a+ nudes

 **kamenrider** : i...

 **kamenrider** : i can't tell if you're joking or not

 **Thirsty Boi** : of course we are makoto

 **get boned** : don't take stuff so seriously :///

_**kamenrider** muted the chat._

**get boned** : come back!!! you can run but you can't hide!!!

_**kamenrider** is offline._

**Thirsty Boi** : fuckin' rude

 **get boned** : hey makoto wanna come get drunk with us later today

_**kamenrider** is online._

**Thirsty Boi** : summoned by the alcohol

 **get boned** : you should bring the brownies too,,,

 **kamenrider** : i feel three of us in a room, high and drunk is a bad idea

 **Thirsty Boi** : four of us

 **get boned** : yusuke is coming too

 **kamenrider** : did,,, did i just stumble into a threesome???

 **get boned** : well,,, not anymore

 **kamenrider** : i'll pass for now

 **Thirsty Boi** : brownies???

 **kamenrider** : i'm not making them

 **Thirsty Boi** : but you have the good kush!!!

 **kamenrider** : it's yen store kush, how good can it be

 **kamenrider** : but no srs, the weed isn't that good

 **get boned** : if u say so :///

 **kamenrider** : ryuji u were there

 **get boned** : doesn't mean i fully remember it!!!

_**art-man** is online._

**art-man** : Don't do drugs kids.

 **Thirsty Boi** : a+ tips from yusuke kitagawa

 **get boned** : guess it's just a regular threesome without drugs then,,,

 **art-man** : Disappointing

 **Thirsty Boi** : truly

 **Thirsty Boi** : now if u'll excuse me i'm gonna play animal crossing for 32 straight hours

_**toyota** is online._

**toyota** : visit my town bitch

 **get boned** : the lesbians are becoming aggressive 

 **toyota** : i'll fight you, i'll fight akira, i'll even fight myself

 **Thirsty Boi** : lmao i'd like to see u try

 **get boned** : don't fight the lesbians akira

 **Thirsty Boi** : i'mma fight the lesbians

 **art-man** : Don't you remember what happened last time you tried to fight Ann?

 **Thirsty Boi** : ...

 **Thirsty Boi** : u have a strong argument, here's my counter offer

_**Thirsty Boi** changed the chat name to **I'm Going to Fight The Lesbians.**_

**toyota** : meet me @ leblanc for an ass kicking

_**toyota** is offline._

_**Thirsty Boi** is offline._

**get boned** : oh dear.

* * *

_August 23rd 2017_  
_3:15am_

_**Thirsty Boi** is online._

_**toyota** is online. _

_**toyota** changed the chat name to **Akira Kurusu is a Big Loser.**_

**Thirsty Boi** : excuse me bish

 **toyota** : i won

 **Thirsty Boi** : you actually punched me???

 **get boned** : wh,,, wh a t??

 **toyota** : you asked for a fight

 **Thirsty Boi** : you naruto ran at me down an alley way and leapt on me!!!

 **toyota** : its what u deserve 

 **Thirsty Boi** : for what?????????

 **toyota** : for underestimating my lesbian prowess

 **Thirsty Boi** : understandable have a nice day

 **get boned** : ashhsvgz

 **Thirsty Boi** : but i still have a black eye

 **toyota** : o yea sorry about that

 **Thirsty Boi** : sorry doesn't fix my eye sight!!!!

 **toyota** : u were blind to begin with 

 **get boned** : his glasses are fake

 **toyota** : what

 **get boned** : they have plastic lenses, fake

 **toyota** : wh 

 **Thirsty Boi** : u didn't know my glasses were fake???

 **toyota** : NO

 **get boned** : rip shiho u will be missed

 **Thirsty Boi** : haha my plans to fool the public into assuming that i'm a normal, approachable teenager is succeeding

 **get boned** : 'normal' is too drastic

 **Thirsty Boi** : i will fite u

 **get boned** : i don't wanna give u another black eye

 **Thirsty Boi** : COME AT ME

**_Thirsty Boi_ ** _is offline._

**_get boned_ ** _is offline._

**toyota** : do i sense some tension???? sexual tension??

 **art-man** : Yes

 **toyota** : how do u know

 **art-man** : Yes

 


	5. i'm gay and want to drink things that taste like toothpaste

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yusuke is a meme, Mokoto knows what A Vine is and Mishima joins the wreckage that is the group chat. (Happy 20-GayTeen)

_March 31st 2018_  
_9:56pm_

_Thirsty Boi changed the chat name to **Nasty Crime Gays Take Back 20-GAYTEEN**._

**Thirsty Boi** : what's up fuckos this chat is dead so i'm bringing it back

**hackerman** : bitch i thought you were dead

**Thirsty Boi** : trick question— i wish i were dead

**lesbiann** : big fucking mood my guy

**get boned** : bood (big mood)

**Thirsty Boi** : the garbage man has a point, promote him to garbage boss

_**hackerman** changed **get boned** 's nickname to **garbage boss**._

**garbage boss** : i'm the highest quality of trash

**Thirsty Boi** : agreed

**lesbiann** : if he's trash that just means he's dirty

**garbage boss** : yes ;)

**hackerman** : ABORT

_**art-man** is online._

**art-man** : Happy 20 Gay Teen, my friends and Fellow Gays.

**lesbiann** : yusuke is just the 'how do you do fellow kids?' meme and nobody can tell me otherwise

**Thirsty Boi** : fellowkids.jpg

**art-man** : Thats just a badly photoshopped picture of me in the meme.

**Thirsty Boi** : precisely!

_**kamenrider** is online._

**kamenrider** : my sister is at a work party drunk as fuck someone let me come over to theirs and get drunk as fuck

**lesbiann** : your sister is a bad influence

**kamenrider** : she taught me how to pick a lock and guess someone's account passwords

**lesbiann** : understandable have a nice day

**Thirsty Boi** : everyone should just come over to mine and get drunk as fuck

**garbage boss** : do you have the good kush?

**Thirsty Boi** : i have peppermint vodka and spiced apple jack daniels

**lesbiann** : wow i'm in

**kamenrider** : you shouldn't mix ur liquors

**Thirsty Boi** : i see your point and offer you— i'm gay and want to drink things that taste like toothpaste

**kamenrider** : fair enough, i'm getting the bus rn

_**poisonivy** is online._

**poisonivy** : whose house are we getting drunk at?

**kamenrider** : akira's

**kamenrider** : my bet is that it's going to turn into a massive orgy

**poisonivy** : yeah, i can see that

**art-man** : I don't have money for the bus :((

**poisonivy** : i'm on my way there now, yusuke, i'll pick you up!

**art-man** : I'm so fucking blessed.

**Thirsty Boi** : wlw + mlm solidarity

**hackerman** : did yusuke just swear???

**garbage boss** : it was so beautiful i just cried.

_**kamenrider** changed the chat name to **LeTS mCFreAKinG LoSE iT (geT ouTTa yOUr miNd)**_

**lesbiann** : who showed makoto vine

**Thirsty Boi** : that was me, it's the best thing i've ever done i'm not even sorry

l **esbiann** : shiho watches vine compilations all the time and i'm just,,,,

_**toyota** is online._

**toyota** : what u saying about me bitch???

**Thirsty Boi** : i'm always shocked by the difference between shiho offline and shiho online

**garbage boss** : she's like an internet gremlin

**lesbiann** : incorrect that's futaba

**hackerman** : damn straight

**garbage boss** : but i thought you were japanese???

**toyota** : is that a motherfucking vine reference

**garbage boss** : damn right

**toyota** : i respecc you

**garbage boss** : you didn't before???

**lesbiann** : me and shiho are on our way

**kamenrider** : *shiho and i

**lesbiann** : i'm gay i don't know how to grammar

**Thirsty Boi** : knock before you come in

**kamenrider** : okay but why??

**garbage boss** : no reason

**lesbiann** : why did you answer ryuji

**Thirsty Boi** : no reason

**hackerman** : i swear to god if i walk in and see ryuji getting fucked i'm gonna mcfreaking lose it

**garbage boss** : well you wont see if you take ur time and knock >:((

**lesbiann** : RYUJI ARE YOU GETTING FUCKED

**Thirsty Boi** : he wishes he was getting fucked

**kamenrider** : so akira is doing the fucking?

**garbage boss** : who knows anymore, really

**art-man** : You guys started without me? :(

**Thirsty Boi** : sorry babe, don't worry there's room if you get here first and haru waits downstairs

**poisonivy** : i'm fine with this

**lesbiann** : WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON???

_**Thirsty Boi** is idle._

_**garbage boss** is idle._

**hackerman** : i hear groaning i'm gonna fucking scream

**lesbiann** : i'm so sorry futaba

**hackerman** : i'm going in

**art-man** : RIP.

**hackerman** : they're just playing super smash bros without shirts on + getting rlly into it

**toyota** : at least they're not getting into each other

**art-man** : Shiho is my favourite you all can go home.

**toyota** : awww??? yusuke that's so cute??

**toyota** : also whomst the fuck r u

**lesbiann** : o shit i forgot yusuke and shiho never met

**hackerman** : what in tarnation

**kamenrider** : i knew we were forgetting something

**art-man** : If I meet Shiho I would die for her.

**toyota** : thats cute!!!

**Thirsty Boi** : have i entered some sort of fucking time warp

**garbage boss** : i dunno but if futaba leaves we can actually fuck so :///

**hackerman** : DON'T U FUCKING DARE

**art-man** : Why am I always the one who's late to the threesome? :((

**lesbiann** : because you're gay and can't do math?

**Thirsty Boi** : We Are All Gay And Can't Do Math.

**kamenrider** : i'm gay and i can do math

**garbage boss** : you are an outlier makoto and should not be counted

**poisonivy** : well me and yusuke are here, and i brought tequila and vodka so we can all get hella drunk

**hackerman** : *yusuke and i

**poisonivy** : pewish

**Thirsty Boi** : i say we mix the tequila and vodka together and make vodquila 

**kamenrider** : i'm sorry do you want to fucking perish

**Thirsty Boi** : yes

**lesbiann** : that's a bad idea that i cannot kickstart, akira

**hackerman** : i, for one, want to wipe my brain like a hard drive by drinking this cursed liquid

**toyota** : ur like,,,, 8??? you get ribena.

**hackerman** : i don't want ribena i want vodquila

**toyota** : tough shit, you get ribena

**hackerman** : i hate this fucking family

Thirsty Boi: if ur good we'll slip a little vodka into ur ribena 

**garbage boss** : hey does anyone actually know how old futaba is or are we all just eyeballing it??

**lesbiann** : i'd say she's like 16

**poisonivy** : 16 seems about right

**art-man** : I'm quite sure she's 12.

**hackerman** : fuck you yusuke

**art-man** : No thanks.

**toyota** : she's 8, next question

**Thirsty Boi** : she's,,,, 16???

**hckerman** : you're all wrong i'm 15 fuckos

**garbage boss** : what the fuck really

**hackerman** : yes

**Thirsty Boi** : you cannot drink, i am sorry, you get ribena

**poisonivy** : apologies, futaba

**hackerman** : you can't drink either?? and yet here we are

**Thirsty Boi** : i will not be called out by a gremlin

**hackerman** : fine, i will have ribena but only if i can have it with fizzy water

**Thirsty Boi** : deal!!

* * *

 

_January 1st 2018_  
_1:29 am_

_**Thirsty Boi** changed the chat name to **MMM Minty.**_

**garbage boss** : which one of you invited mishima???

Thirsty **Boi** : that would, in fact, be me

**kamenrider** : why would you expose the Good Boy to drunk ryuji

**hackerman** : you're drunk too makoto

**kamenrider** : don't fucking call me out, keep on sipping ur fizzy ribena

**hackerman** : >:(

**toyota** : hey akira can me and ann use your bedroom for uhhhhh an hour and a half

**Thirsty Boi** : if ur gonna fuck use protection

**garbage boss** : try not to take too long, because me and akira wanna get a quick fling in before the night is out

**art-man** : :(((

**Thirsty Boi** : oh, and yusuke too

**art-man** : :D

**lesbiann** : it's cute how excited he gets

**garbage boss** : oh, you wouldn't believe ;)

**toyota** : okay time to fuck

**Thirsty Boi** : where's makoto and haru

**hackerman** : making out in the bathroom, i think; they're both very drunk

**Thirsty Boi** : Bood

**hackerman** : we know this, you're draped across yusuke and ryuji 

**garbage boss** : i'm going out and yusuke and akira are coming with me

**art-man** : o shit we r??

**hackerman** : i think yusuke is melting

**art-man** : no u

**Thirsty Boi** : o shit fam where we going

**garbage boss** : you'll see ;))

_**garbage boss** is offline._

_**Thirsty Boi** is offline._

_**art-man** is offline._

**hackerman** : they gon fuck

_**lesbiann** added **mishiyuuki** to the chat._

**lesbiann** : mishima we love u bitch

**kamenrider** : we ain't ever gonna stop loving u …. bitch

**mishiyuuki** : that's sweet but are you okay???

**kamenrider** : no

**lesbiann** : i wanna die

**toyota** : babe that's so sexy

**lesbiann** : says you looking like a snacc ;)

**toyota** : oh you ;)

**mishiyuuki** : ….

**mishiyuuki** : well, if you can't beat 'em join em

_**mishiyuuki** is idle._

**hackerman** : BITCH WHAT THE FUCK

**lesbiann** : i fucking love my son look at him go

**toyota** : i'm such a proud mother

**kamenrider** : he's…. really chugging that vodka

**hackerman** : poor baby… he's gonna have a headache tomorrow

**lesbiann** : #MishimaIsMySon

**hackerman** : yeah because you both make bad drunk mistakes

**lesbiann** : do not!!!

**toyota** : babe,,,

**toyota** : remember my leaving party??

**hackerman** : someone catch him before he breaks a table.


	6. april fools this is real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Akira makes a drunk mistake, Shiho knows their secret, Akechi receives a series of drunk texts and they lose Haru.

_April 1st 2018_  
_12:57pm_

**Thirsty Boi** : so,,,, guys, i may have made a drunk mistake last night

 **Thirsty Boi** : IMG_019282.png

 **hackerman** : akira kurusu what the fuck

 **garbage boss** : you're speaking to ren amamiya now

 **lesbiann** : ren mamma mia?

 **garbage boss** : no amamiya

 **toyota** : mamma mia???

 **Thirsty Boi** : they're just fucking with you ryuji my gorgeous boy

 **lesbiann** : you gotta be fucking with us akira we saw the goddamned date

 **Thirsty Boi** : i assure you this isn't an april fools prank

 **garbage boss** : it was a drunk mistake and now his name is ren

 **lesbiann** : you can change it back right???

 **Thirsty Boi** : no. surprise!

 **Thirsty Boi** : april fools this is real

 **hackerman** : WHAT THE FUCK

 **toyota** : your parents are home you're not allowed to say fuck

_**kamenrider** is online._

**kamenrider** : why the fuck do i have a letter that says sae helped akira get a name change

 **garbage boss** : !!! 

 **Thirsty Boi** : now we know how it got through the courts so fast

 **hackerman** : his name is now ren amamiya

 **kamenrider** : 'amamiya' with the kanji for rain and palace, and 'ren' with the kanji for lotus

 **toyota** : how very appropriate seeing as how he's a phantom thief

 **garbage boss** : …. HOW DO YOU KNOW??

 **toyota** : ann told me, also you guys were talking about it pretty loudly last night

 **Thirsty Boi** : fuck they're onto us

_**mishiyuuki** is online._

**mishiyuuki** : i'm dying

 **lesbiann** : my poor son :((

 **hackerman** : mishima did you make any drunk mistakes

 **mishiyuuki** : i don't think so???

 **kamenrider** : did you change your name mishima

 **mishiyuuki** : …. no….?

 **Thirsty Boi** : my name is now ren amamiya nice to meet you :)

 **mishiyuuki** : akira what the fuck

 **garbage boss** : did mishima just swear???

 **lesbiann** : my son is growing up so fast :')

_**hackerman** changed **Thirsty Boi** 's nickname to **Ren Mamma Mia**._

**hackerman** : happy name change day

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : i'm feeling blessed in this broom closet this afternoon

 **kamenrider** : broom closet?

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : yea, thats where i am rn

 **kamenrider** : what???

 **garbage boss** : i'm there too

 **hackerman** : i have mishima

 **hackerman** : mishima just threw up,,, ew

 **lesbiann** : i'm with shiho at mine

 **kamenrider** : i'm back home 

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : last night i sent one goro akechi a text

 **kamen rider** : fuck

 **lesbiann** : fuck

 **garbage boss** : fuck

 **hackerman** : fuck

 **mishiyuuki** : fuck

 **toyota** : who that

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : the text says, 'grey suit with that hair? honey please'

 **lesbiann** : oh god no

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : but wait! there's more!

 **garbage boss** : ren what the fuck

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : he replied, 'why are you texting me this?'

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : my reply, 'alcohol is the lube for the nasty sex that is social interaction'

 **lesbiann** : ren,,,, oh my GOD

 **kamenrider** : petition to disown ren say i

 **hackerman** : i

 **garbage boss** : i'm not agreeing to this

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : two minutes goes by, and then i text back, 'fuck ryuhszi, telshga bzcixa' i think i must've activated siri with my thumb

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : thirty seconds later akechi replies, 'akira are you drunk?'

 **lesbiann** : this just keeps getting worse

 **kamen rider** : i'm terrified

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : i then reply, one minute later, 'no u'

 **mishiyuuki** : next time ren gets drunk lets confiscate his phone

 **garbage boss** : agreed

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : five minutes later, i text back, 'goron akechi why do u hate me so, and i'm feeling lost — "lost" by the calling'

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : then, 'please help me i am lost'

 **hackerman** : ren you're a fucking dumbass

 **lesbiann** : why do we trust this man

 **toyota** : why does he make so many drunk texts??

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : akechi then replies, 'where are you, i'll come help'

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : to which i reply, 'no fuck you, i want to die'

 **mishiyuuki** : that's very on-brand of you

 **lesbiann** : he isn't a youtuber

 **toyota** : not with that attitude he isn't

 **garbage boss** : ren got us out of the closet

 **kamenrider** : we been knew ryuji

 **hackerman** : y'all gay

 **toyota** : this is the ultimate gay collective

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : then akechi replies, 'akira you're scaring me'

 **garbage boss** : bood

 **toyota** : bood

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : i then reply, 'my name is ren now fuck you and fuck your pancakes'

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : to which he replies, 'ren i'm calling makoto'

 **kamenrider** : that explains the 15 missed calls from 'nosey beak boy, keep ur nose out of it'

 **lesbiann** : makoto,,, that's beautiful

 **toyota** : wait where's haru

 **kamenrider** : FUCK WHERE'S HARU

 _Ren Mamma Mia changed the chat name to **The Hunt for Haru: The Phantom Thieves Grand Adventure**_.

 **lesbiann** : :// it's a bit wordy

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : we're going on an adventure get up

 **hackerman** : i'll see you all there

 **toyota** : me and ann will get dressed at meet you all at le blanc

 **garbage boss** : me and ren will go to le blanc and meet you there

 **kamenrider** : i'll go there too

 **mishiyuuki** : can i come?

 **hackerman** : fuck it why not

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : meet y'all there!

_**lesbiann** is offline._

_**toyota** is offline._

_**garbage boss** is offline._

_**kamenrider** is offline_

_**mishiyuuki** is offline_

_**hackerman** is offline._

* * *

 

 **poisonivy** is online.

 **poisonivy** : umm?? guys??

 **art-man** is online.

 **art-man** : where is everybody?

 **poisonivy** : going to find me i guess

 **art-man** : but we're both in akita's attic

 **poisonivy** : precisely

 **poisonivy** : shall we go get breakfast? i'll pay

 **art-man** : we shall split the bill, i have money from a commission

 **poisonivy** : okie! hmmm, ramen?

 **art-man** : that sounds really good

_**poisonivy** is offline._

_**art-man** is offline._

* * *

**Ren Mamma Mia** is online.

 **Ren Mamma Mia** : :(( they got ramen without us

 

 


End file.
